i don't even want you anymore, i just want to be the one to reject you

I feel like I sort of have to prove to myself that I can get him, even though I don't even really want him. Ugh!

I should just be enough, but I'm not. I'm so fucking lonely. At least I'm honest, but shit. It's bad. A can't always be around to save me. (We did the frat boy thing yesterday, we rented stupid teen movies, got some beer, ordered pizza. He's my best friend, he's like my girlfriend and my pseudo-boyfriend also... I heart A and don't know what I'd do without his friendship! It will be hard to leave the Bay because of M and A; I think I will miss them the most.)

Anyway. It's funny the lengths we go to avoid rejection. Sometimes to the point of bending over backward: will he love me if I fuck him? What if I blow him? Watch porn with him? Lose 10 lbs for him? Will that keep him from leaving me?

There are some things that are out of my control. I think this is one of them. I don't even have the friendship--because we never had a friendship to begin with. And that's frustrating, and sad, and I would do anything to be his friend, if he'd let me.

(Maybe he knows, maybe I told him, about the kind of girl I am. The kind that will stab you in the front. But really, would you want friend who'd do it any other way?)

I always sit in restaurants facing the door. So I can see who's coming to attack me. Maybe that's paranoid, but I think it's logical. And this is how I go about my life: with a set plan. I'll even be so kind as to tell you my plan in advance.

Perhaps I need to cultivate another air of mystery. When people can see you coming at them, they sure as hell better be confident, stable motherfuckers, else they run from you in the opposite direction. In my life, I've met many people who are runners.

if you say you will call, call; otherwise, don't even bother!

Ah, the age old question: to call or not to call. But you see, it's never that straightforward. I really feel like I'm being jerked around sometimes. What really bothers me about ill-intentioned people is, although perhaps they may intend to call, and thus say "I'll call you tomorrow, baby," they shouldn't say it if they don't mean it! They're wasting my time! Because then I expect them to call! When they don't, then I've gotten my hopes up about them calling, and then I'm disappointed. :'(

So already a few days into the new year, the new guy probably won't pan out. I need to grieve about this a little bit... check back with me in a few weeks. By then the heartbreak will have abated.